Monday, January 21, 2013

Cherry popped

By Seagull
13 weeks 5 days pregnant

Yesterday i went to the mall b/c, well, i like the mall and i haven't been there in forever. With the pending divorce, move, blah-blah-blah i don't really have any money to spend at the mall but i did have a Visa gift card from my (ex) mother-in-law so i thought she could treat me to a mini-shopping day. Plus Victoria Secret was having their semi-annual sale and i thought my new, beautiful, full pregnancy ta-tas (and my self-esteem) could benefit from a sexy yet comfortable new bra. Oh and i had to return a jacket my mom got ex-Seagull for Christmas to JCP...

So off to the mall i went.

Within the span of an hour, i found the aforementioned sexy but comfortable bra (only $15.99!) plus two larg(er) panties to accommodate the Pumpkin Bump.  I really think i am going to spring for some maternity panties but i am holding off until at least this wknd when my friend and I are going to "real" maternity clothes shopping at Motherhood, courtesy another Christmas gift card.

I decided to peek into Old Navy's maternity section b/c i keep hearing how it's "the" place for cheap maternity essentials. Let me tell you a secret: everybody was right. Not only was it super cheap compared to what i have seen online, but i also stumbled onto some end-of-winter (hey it's 75 degrees here today!) sale and scored the following:

2 long maternity shirts ($10 each)
1 striped long maternity v-neck thin sweater ($7.95)
1 cute black and gray striped cotton dress that i think i can wear during winter and summer, depending on accessories ($10)
2 long sleeve shirts for working out/sleeping in ($2 and $3, respectively)
1 pair of gray cargo pants with front maternity panel ($7.95)  
And they had this crazy sale on earrings and necklaces (all $1.99!) so i got a few of those b/c i'm a sucker for cute accessories.

I didn't have time to try anything on b/c i didn't want to be late for my acupuncture appointment so i eye-balled everything and will try them on this week. 

Since we are in middle of the Big Move at work, we can wear casual clothes and sneakers all week. This was a problem for me last week since i only have one pair of jeans i can still wear (with a belly band) and everything else is leggings and dresses. So today i was decided to go for it and wear my maternity pants.

My (maternity clothes) cherry is officially popped.
And i will never go back.
In fact, i may never wear regular pants again.

People, why didn't you tell me how comfortable maternity pants are? Next time i'm pregnant (ha! how crazy of an infertile divorced lesbian am i to even consider this may happen?!) i am busting out these pants at Week 5. They are that amazing.

First of all, they are roomy, soft and i don't feel constricted or uncomfortable at all. It is also really nice to wear pants that actually look like pants and that aren't held together with a hair tie or belly band. And while i love leggings, it feel so normal to wear pants with sneakers.

Except i definitely look pregnant, now, and wearing maternity clothes does not hide the situation. I am so glad i'm out at work and with my friends!  I'm not quite ready to say i've "popped" (my friends keep saying it just looks like i had a big burrito for lunch) but, to me - who has spent the last 2 years studying women's bellies to see if they were one of the lucky ones who were pregnant - i look totally knocked up. 

It was strange putting on the maternity pants this morning b/c even though i've had ultrasounds and betas and a due date and not a damn alcoholic drink in two months, the act of putting on these pants suddenly made me think, "HOLY SHIT I'm FINALLY PREGNANT."

And that makes me so, so, so happy. 
In fact, i have been thinking about this a lot in the last week or so: I
am more happy right now than i have been in the last 2 years. Which sounds crazy b/c there are a million reasons why i should not be happy - a divorce to muddle through, a short sale of our beloved condo, $$ being scarce, a possible layoff still circling around my head, unsure about where i am going to live or what car i am going to drive (yes, we are going around and around about those details still), being a single mom in a co-parenting rlshp, losing my lover/companion/best friend from the past 12 years, unsure about if i will find another partner in this big, crazy world, etc. And, yes, i do have my moments of grief and loneliness but, overall, i'm happy. I'm optimistic about the future. I'm crazy in love with my little pumpkin. And i feel oddly at peace that it will all work out. With so many things to stress about, i find myself less anxious than i was during the last two years.

I'm not sure the reason why for this zen.

Sometimes i wonder if there is just so much piled up - and i am so tired for clutching the steering wheel so tightly for the past few years - that the only i can do is let go and let God steer.

Sometimes i think that maybe i, too, wasn't happy in my marriage, though i never consciously verbalized or thought about that, much less took any actions in that direction. And now that relationship stress of being with a partner that doesn't fulfill me has been lifted from my shoulders.

Sometimes i think that it's all about infertility, after all. That was such a huge part of my life for so long and now that i have crossed over into this hallowed, pregnancy space it puts a different perspective on everything. Us infertiles have long said that infertility affects everything in our lives and if we could just "figure it out" then everything would be better. I honestly believe that. So if infertility contributes so much stress and anxiety in your life, then i think the "resolution" of it (via pregnancy or however you resolve it in your heart/soul/mind) does lead to happiness and relief.

And so that's where i'm at. For today, at least. 

For other pg-gals out there who haven't popped their maternity clothes cherry, yet, this is your wake-up call to do so ASAP! You can thank me in the morning.



  1. I went shopping yesterday too, such great deals! Although I think i'm in denial because I keep buying empire waisted dresses that I think will work for a while :)

    {love jenny xoxo}

    1. I keep wanting to do the same things! i keep thinking, oh, i'll just buy this pair of pants one size larger or a larger shirt... I think that will work for awhile but not long!

  2. Haha, I felt the same way when I first bought maternity pants. I'm thinking they will remain my Thanksgiving pants even when I'm not pregnant :)